Here’s what to watch
for…
1. They’re hooked on
drama.
If your partner seems
bored by happy, stable relationships, run the other way.
“People who cheat
prefer to ride an emotional roller coaster rather than find joy in emotional
stability. They get an adrenaline rush from the figurative bumps and bruises
that cause strife and turmoil with their significant other and their second
significant other because it leads to the intoxication of making up again and
again,” says Dr. Tabori.
2. They’re unhappy.
Most people who are
highly satisfied with their relationship and whose needs are being met don’t want
to cheat, says Dr. Tabori.
Both physical and
emotional needs are important in relationships, so if either gets lost in the
shuffle, trouble can arise—though of course, a more responsible course of
action when a person is unhappy is often to be honest about it or to end the
relationship if they can’t get their needs met, instead of having an affair and
lying to a person who loves them.
3. They’re afraid of
being alone.
According to Dr.
Tabori, cheaters often deeply fear abandonment and seek out their second
relationship as something of a security blanket against physical or emotional
loneliness. This often ends up being a counterintuitive move, because if and
when the affair explodes, they’re a lot more likely to be left behind by
partners they’ve betrayed.
4. And they can be very
opportunistic.
Joshua Forman, partner
and matrimonial attorney at Chemtob Moss & Forman, has seen his fair
share of brutal divorces over affairs, and he’s seen some sobering realities
among the couples he’s worked with.
“Some people do change,
but as a whole, if someone cheated on you before you got married, a leopard
doesn’t change their spots,” he says about compulsive philanderers. “They might
get good for a couple months, but it’s not the kind of thing that changes. The
personality traits of someone who is dishonest in work or in other areas spills
over into personal life.”
According to Dr.
Tabori, compulsive cheaters are often in positions of power, and can be very
calculating about when they decide to strike.
“One is more likely to
cheat when opportunity arises, not simply when they are away from their
significant other, but when the opportunity to prey upon a potential mate
presents itself. People who cheat will look for opportunities where the
potential mate may be in a vulnerable state, such as after a break-up or
divorce. When the preyed-upon is in a more vulnerable state, they are more
likely to be open to and engage in the cheating behavior because they miss the
feeling of being loved and are not emotionally grounded enough yet to set
secure boundaries.”
Unsettling, right?
The best thing to do is
stay aware and be kind to yourself.
This probably goes
without saying, but it’s important to remember that if your partner doesn’t
stay faithful to you, it’s fully up to you in how you want to handle it, and
the fact that a chronic cheater has hurt you isn’t your fault. You might choose
to stick around, but you’re also more than justified in ending the
relationship. Just like there are all different kinds of relationships, there
are all different kinds of infidelity, and sometimes the motive or frequency
matters a lot more than the cheating itself.
That said, if you find
yourself in a relationship with a person who’s essentially addicted to the high
of betraying you, it might be ideal to cut ties. Life is too short to be with a
partner who makes you feel less than awesome!
2015 by
YourTango.com
